Health & Fitness

But I'm Not A Bad Person
by Lauren M Traer RRT

As my physical and mental problems progressed, I began to believe that there was something very wrong and bad about me.

I was raised by loving parents who took my sister and I to church faithfully every Sunday morning. As my physical and mental problems progressed, I began to believe that there was something very wrong and bad about me. The further I fell into Anorexia and Bulimia, and more addicted I became, the further away I drifted from God. When the obsessive/compulsive thoughts became out of control and, despite all my effort and numerous secular therapies, I was unable to stop my self-destructive behavior, I believed that I was evil. I became too ashamed of myself to attend church, and believe that God was very disappointed in me. I thought I would have to stop my despicable behavior and illness before God would accept and love me once again.

A few co-workers tried to persuade me to give my life to Christ, but I was unable to let go of the tight reigns of control and trust God to save me. After numerous, half-hearted attempts, I finally overcame my stubbornness and recited the Sinner's Prayer. I also chose to be re-baptized, and was submerged in the river near our home. This left me feeling cleansed, renewed, and rejuvenated. I could not wait to leave my old life behind and start my new one with Christ. Now that I was a Christian, my problems were all behind me. I was a child of the living God! I began to study the word and watched as much Christian television as I possibly could. I realized that every principle I had been taught in secular therapy was opposite of God's word. God must be placed in charge of my life, not me. I was totally dependent on Him, and He would never leave me or stop loving me. He wanted to take care of me all along!

I became very confused and discouraged when my destructive thoughts and compelling urges returned. That was without a doubt the worst time in my life.I was growing as a Christian and knew that my addictive behavior was against the word of God, yet I was still under their power. I wanted an instant and complete healing, and began to believe that I was even incapable of being a Christian. Why could I not do anything right? I began to hate myself for this, and still felt too dirty to attend church. Finally, I cried out to God to completely take over my life and fill my empty heart. It became very clear that, in order for further healing and progression, I needed to be in a warm, loving, and anointed church. My husband and I joined a wonderful new church, with only about 20 members, where the spirit of God was present. The first time I attended church, I was so weak that I had to be carried up the steps. I sat on a soft pillow because it hurt too badly to sit directly on the folding chair. I came forward after the service to be anointed with oil by our pastor and receive hands-on prayer from the members.

I used to feel like a demon had a stranglehold on me and would not let go. did not realize how right I was. I believe God spoke a powerful word to me that day. Suddenly, I could feel the chains of bondage being broken off me. I could feel something wonderful happening to me. I had my fingers interlaced to pray, as I had been taught to do as a child in Sunday School. I felt the amazing power of God come over me, and every muscle in my body tensed. My hands were clenched so tightly together that I do not think I could have pried them open with a crowbar. I knew I had been set free. Not once did I feel fear during this glorious experience. I sobbed and sobbed as they prayed for me. At that moment, I even wanted to start trying to eat more and was not afraid. For the first time in years, I really wanted to do this! I got down on my knees and thanked God for his healing power, mercy, and grace. He had given me a second chance.

That episode took place nearly 2 ½ years ago, and my healing continues gradually day by day.  I was instantaneously set free, by my recovery is coming in little steps, as the wall that my illness had built is coming down brick by brick. Before I could be used by God, I believe that He had to break my rebellious spirit and show me how wrong I was. I had to lose everything, including nearly my life, before I relied completely on God. I wish it would not have been necessary, and could have been less traumatic, but I know that I appreciate my healing even more because of what I went through.

I take nothing for granted anymore, and I thank God for all the blessings in my life every day, as soon as I open my eyes. I know that I have learned and matured more since I have been walking with the Lord than I have in my entire lifetime. I am still learning and have much farther to travel in my journey, but I love and trust the Lord more every day.

 I pray for God's will to be done in my life, not mine. The Lord has always been there with his arms open, just waiting for me to turn to him and let him help and heal me. 

About the Author

This is an excerpt from the book "But I'm Not A Bad Person" by Lauren M Traer RRT. Reprinted with permission. Are you dealing with the increasing severity of symptoms of Graves' disease or purchase the book.